“how many slams in an old screen door? depends how loud you shut it. how many slices in a bread? depends how thin you cut it. how much good inside a day? depends how good you live 'em."shel silverstein When it comes to putting something into my mouth, I have three main categories: cheesy, carb-y and soup-y. My main squeeze, however, has three different categories. His nutrition heart beats to the rhythm of beef, sweets and sugar. And sweets. If I fed him a hamburger on plain bread with a cool-glass-of-Coca-Cola! and chocolate cake for dinner every night... well, he'd never leave my company. But, instead, I make him do crazy things - crazy cultured things and crazy budget things - like pad thai and Crying Tiger pork, and panini's with mustard wine cheese and lemon pepper pasta.
Here's our issue: I don't like sweets, and I can't bake. (Come on, when was the last time you had a chocolate fudge bars sprinkled with feta atop fettucine!) My cooking is a creative endeavor like writing or photographing. It's not HARD LIKE MATH AND SCIENCE AND GRAPHS AND ALGORITHMS AND THOSE BIG FAT CALCULATORS. People who like baking also probably like sudoku, graphing charts and flash cards. Don't you? (Actually, don't answer that. I just tell myself to soothe my soul. "You can't be creative AND bake. Those are the two kinds of people in the world, don't you know?")I don't bake. I get clammy. I start thinking about timed addition tests. And long division. There are so many bowls. So so many bowls. And a lot of white things. It intimidates me. "Take this light sand and dark sand, mix it perfectly with goo and you'll have a cake!" I'd much prefer "Take this pasta and this chicken, and you'll have chicken in pasta!" For the sake of my dearest dude, I have tried to incorporate desserts into our menu more often. I buy cookies on sale. I bought an ice-cream maker and made awful peach-mint ice cream. I even attempted a "sooOoo easy" coffee cake and my boy ate one slice. That is bad sign when this Sugar Monster is around. If something is bad he usually pities me by getting seconds. One slice? Of cake? Ouch.
But guys. Guys. I made Zoom Yummy's Cinnamon-Pull Apart Bread TWICE. It's truly the easiest thing. And I'm being very serious when I tell you I followed her directions exactly. She says to make a smiley face in the dough. On it.While you wait for the dough to rise, you can play with other rolls. (Get it? Bah'jing!)And I waited for the yeast to beat up the happy face. Like Petra said to.Now, you can't squelch my inner dreamer and artist forever. I decided (by choice) to roll my dough into a vision I had: the offspring of a polar bear and a large tortellini. You'd have to be creative like me to understand.The shading represents the deep struggle the Polar Bear and the Large Tortellini fought through. No one thought they'd make it. (Some of you simpleton's may have thought I just poured too much cinnamon in the corner. Narrow minds. The light represents hope! And a new dawn! And just ignore the knife... and the 350 degree oven of fire.Now we need to cut the dough into this handy dandy pull-apart pieces! Petra chose to roll her dough into a neat, long rectangle with rounded corners and she used a ruler (LIKE YOU DO FOR GEOMETRY HOMEWORK.) When you have a magical eye like I do, you can just eyeball these matters. Because it IS crucial that these dough squares are perfectly measured. Per. Fect. Lee. Mezj. Erred.Let's go in for the close up:Petra has the brilliant idea stack the perfection squares into perfection piles. I like to say that my cinnamon stacks are Monet inspired. (See that little dough strip on the middle left of this image? I rolled it around in all the sugar and ate it after I shot this frame.)
I also accidentally shot this entire cooking-process in JPEG. Worst. This isn't exactly a shoot you can start over... But look at all the dough! Cuddling together like a pack of puppies.After I cooked the bread I dropped it onto a towel. And then before the next frame could fire half the loaf was gone. And I have no more pictures. But go look at Zoom Yummy's blog! She took pictures before she ate!
Can someone who can't bake please try to make this? It would make my life. And take a picture of the finished product (unlike I did.) And then send some to my Jay-Z (because I'm his "Beyonce"... get it?)