Thoughts From a Single {part 4}

I'll end my Real Personal Super Deep and Genuine Posting About MenAndSingleNessAndStuff now. 

That's enough deep for the time being.

:D 

My final thoughts on this issue have to do with basketball.  

I've spent my whole life watching, learning, and playing basketball.

When I watch a legitimately great athlete play basketball,

(let's say during a March Madness Championship game,  or highschool championship, 

just to set the stage)  there are a few things that are clear:

- the goal (to win)

 - the preparation (the practice is obvious, the plays, the the organization, the roles... this is well rehearsed)

- the determination + dedication

- the element of self-sacrifice.

You watch those games and men will literally flatten themselves,

and break themselves, for the sake of the goal. 

For the good of the team. 

They'll do whatever it takes. 

No qualms, no queries, no "what if I take this charge and fall over and get hurt really bad?"

The risk is worth the reward, the possible pain is worth the possible prize. 

It's bulldog-like. 

Hungry, passionate, unrelenting drive.

Just TRY to stop them.  TRY to detour them from the goal.

Try to convince an athlete playing in the game of his life that winning this game doesn't matter.

That they should walk away from it. That the practice wasn't worth all this.

Do I need to rebound? I'll rebound.

Do I need to pass? Get this ball out of my hands.

Do I need to make a free-throw? I'll make a free-throw.

A 3? Get me the ball.

Do I need to pressure the ball? I'll pressure it so dang hard.

Do I need to sit on the bench and fetch water bottles? Bench me.

Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

And if you can't tell me, I'll figure it out.

And I'll do it.

End of story.

What's the goal I am talking about? The prize?
It's not a wife.
It's not securing a woman.
This basketball analogy is not "how I want a guy to date me."
It's how I want a guy to live.


"...forgetting what lies behind 
and straining forward to what lies ahead,
 I press on toward the goal for the prize 
of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

The prize is knowing Christ,
answering His call,
being a recipient of His love,
enjoying His goodness through and through.
That's the prize!

I have faith that there can be stronger, braver, more passionate Christian men in this world.
Daniel's and David's and Paul's and Timothy's and Shadrach, Mesach and Abendego's.

Men who love godliness and true beauty,
who aren't trying to get into bed with a girl,
nor find a replacement mother,
nor making a girl's attention and affection an idol,
nor who are too timid to take a risk,
nor who are too scared of the sacrifice of marriage that they would rather stay single.

I believe there are strong, brave men of God who need strong, brave women of God beside them.

Someday I'll meet an imperfect man, 

who will commit to imperfect me, 

and we'll have an imperfect love created by our Perfect King.

We'll live and laugh and hurt and love and eat and grow and wrinkle until one day,

we will be united with Love Himself.And our weak little image of love will disappear,

like a drop of water plopped into a river, because we will enjoy Love in it's vast fullness.

And in the presence of God we'll realize more then ever 

how He was the one who brought us to that day,

because of His courageous, selfless love for us.

Thoughts From a Single {part 3}

"I went looking,

I wrote out a list,

I drew an image.

I bled a poem of you.

You were pretty.

You were clever.

But you see,

love,

I did not love you,

I loved me.

You were a tool I used 

to fix myself,

to fool myself,

to redeem myself.

You have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be,

the man I pretended to be,

and I was your Jesus,

and you were mine.

I am scared of me.

But I want to be known and loved anyway.

Can you do this?

Is this God's way of teaching us the labyrinth of His love for us?

I will love you like God,

because of God,

mighted by the power of God.

I will stop expecting your love,

demanding your love,

trading for your love,

gaming for your love.

I will simply love.

I am giving myself to you,

and tomorrow I will do it again.

I suppose the clock will wear thin its time

before I am ended at this altar of 

dying and dying again.

I will risk myself on you.

And together,

we will learn to love."

d. miller

Key words here:

Love like God,

because of God,

mighted by God.

Brave because of God, mighted by God.

Confident in God, because of God.

Servant like God, mighted by God.

It's all about God.

It's all a reflection of His love for His people.

It's all for His glory.

It's not always romantic and lovely.

Sometimes it's romantic and lovely.

It's not always hard and draining.

Sometimes it's hard and draining.

Our God spans from heaven's lovely to the cross' gory.

And marriage and men and women and love get to join in all of that.

To God be the glory!

It's a good thing to know and fully believe a man will never be your Savior.

Man is messed-UP.

Yet there is more grace.

So it's also a good thing to require a man to be a man.

(Remember: being a man is not being perfect.)

It's good for a woman to not settle.

I don't mean "I always wanted a brunette and now I'm settling with a blonde."

I mean it's good for a woman to require manliness,

not babyness,

not little-boy-ness,

not dream-hunk-from-my-dream-ness,

not-someone-JUST-like-my-father-ness,

but manliness.

Require a man to be brave.

However because he is, after all, just a man,

encourage him to be brave.

Point out his potential.

Build him up!

Just don't settle.
Don't settle for butterflies.
Don't settle for someone to touch you.
Don't settle for company.
For "not being the only single one."
Wait for love.

Brave, selfless love.

You know when a man is being a coward.

At least I do... now.

In return I would feel guilty, make excuses for him,
 try to fix it myself, make it easy for him.

I would do what he needed to do
because I wanted to attention and potential security and relationship.

I've learned to not fool myself.

It's not worth it.

The most helpful thing I can do is require a man be a man.
Be "hard to get" not in the game-playing sort of way,
rather in the diamond sort of way.

Quality, persistence, effort, value.
I want to be like the peak of a mountain,
not the base.
"It's wonderful up here, but you will have to hike, sir.
And maybe sweat.
And maybe breathe heavy.
And it might not be a smooth breezy path.
I'm okay with that.
Figuring out how to climb will make you a man."

Encourage, but not flatter.

Have high standards and actually hold to them when push comes to shove.

Love character more then attention.

Laugh and live and serve and walk away from little boys by being a woman.

Don't wait for perfection,

wait for a man.

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Won't this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.

I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

jack johnson | sitting waiting wishing


It's just a worth it thing to do.


(to be continued a teensy bit more)

Thoughts From a Single {Part 2}

{explanation + part one right here...}

I read this on Jessica Claire's blog a little while ago and saved it.  
It changed something in me.  
I don't know why, because it's not like I hadn't heard this before.  
But it stirred something in my heart in a new way:

"I've had relationships over the years… 

but none of them ever felt very permanent. 

I always had the feeling that we were just one fight away from breaking up, 

or that I was just one mistake away from ruining things. 

There was just no sense of 'we'll get through this together'.

When I met Jeff, things were different from the start. 

Although I didn't know Jeff as a friend before we started dating, 

he was my friend from the start. 

Where I normally would have analyzed every phone call, text, and date, 

I didn't have to 

-- he always let me know where he was in his feelings for me.

Here's the thing about Jeff: 

In the ENTIRE time I've known him, 

he has never once pushed me away in ANY way. 

He is a constant, steadfast, brilliant presence in my life. 

I had no idea that it was possible to love someone 

so honestly,

so straightforwardly, 

and so clearly. 

And I had no idea it was possible to be loved the same way back...

I felt so securely in love…I had no misgivings, iffy-ness, or nerves about marrying Jeff.”

A favorite quote of mine is this anononymously spoken one:

"True courage is not the absence of fear – 

but the willingness to proceed in spite of it."

Being a man is scary.

Being a leader is scary.

I know it is.

And opening yourself up to a man is scary.

And this is coming from a girl who has never been in love,

and is never been in a true, committed "relationship."

And I think it's scary, so I can't imagine what it must be like ;)

But there is constant, calm, bold, steadfast, secure confidence (or "courage" or "bravery")

I'd love in a man.

Not a man who isn't afraid.

Not a man who doesn't feel emotion.

Not a robot who simply operates.

But a man who IS afraid,

yet proceeds in spite of it.

Who will lay his heart on the line,

take that risk and fear,

to protect me.

Who will bear the burden of fear,

and lead me through it.

Not pass the burden on to me.

It's hard to be a man.

And marriage is a miracle.

I don't know how anyone does it.

And I know there are moments of weakness,

moments where raw emotion comes out

and I'll "be strong and brave" for my guy.

But the over-all character quality? 9 times out of 10, he should be brave.

Not unafraid.

But brave.

Who will take my hand,

and lead the way to a Rock greater and safer then ourselves.

David said to Saul, 

“Let no man's heart fail because of Goliath. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine.”

 Saul said to David, 

“You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth!” 

David said to Saul, 

“Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.”

The Philistine cursed David. 

“Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field."

David said to the Philistine, 

“You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel... For the battle is the Lord's, and He will give you into our hand.”

What confidence!

What masculinity!

I don't think for a second that David's heart wasn't racing out of his chest,

beating like a tribal drum,

stomach churning into itself.

But he acted brave,

despite what he felt.

He could have died.

Like many others had at the hand of Goliath.

But something needed to be done.

Someone needed to brave.

So David did it.

But the battle was the Lords,

not Davids.

Being brave is much easier when you know the Lord.

(to be continued...)

Thoughts From a Single {part 1}

(I wrote the following post months and months ago.

It turned into a couple posts.

I never had the guts to post them.

But when I accidentally came across them again, I had newfound courage ;)

My life is very different now,

but I find that I agree with them even more then I used to.

And I just want to post them.

   These posts aren't fact.Just thoughts.From a single.Who spends lots of time around the married ;)
--

Usually my "personal" posts are about my life.  What's going on in Kristen's world.  But, to be honest, they usually aren't super deep.  Not that they aren't meaningful, but I just haven't let my personal posts get "very super extra personal."  And I'm okay with that.  It's the internet.  I can filter my "personal" if I want :)

I tend to write happy little posts that tie neatly up at the end with a brilliant concluding statement ;) I say enough to update the troops (maybe) and then call it a day. But I'm gonna open up a little bit more.  Because I want to.

The more I go to photography events, and the more I meet talented single girls, and the more time I spend with my single friends, and the older I get, the more a certain topic pops up: men. and falling in love with them.

Not in a Justin-Beiber-freak-out-fanatic-drippy-goggly-eyed-rambling way.  But a more curious, growing-in-understanding, realizing hurt is real, feelings get hurt, men aren't our saviors and commitment + marriage to one man is...well... a miracle! kind of way.

I'm in NO way saying I'm a miserable old single hag just pining away to be married, and every new news of an engagement sends me into tears.  Not at all.  (though, hey, give me some time... ;) haha juuuust keeeding)  The more weddings I see, the more couples I interact with, the more I learn about God, the more I listen to my "taken" friends cry about how hard/wonderful relationships are, the more I talk with single friends about their desires, the more I wonder about this blessed beast called "marriage."

I'm a little kid watching from the outskirts.  A child buckled into a stroller at a theme park watching the roller-coaster and everyone riding it, trying to understand how it feels.  What's it like to ride?  I can hear it.  I can see it.  But I can't ride it - yet.  And some people come out the exit panicked and queasy, others coming off smiling and laughing and want to run back in line and do it again.

In all this thinking and learning about marriage, I've been well taught to not "look for the perfect 'one' but focus on becoming the perfect 'one.'" Actually, I think I botched that quote.  Not "perfect" obviously.  But my priority is my relationship with God and growing in THAT so I can be a stronger Christian/woman/wife, not finding the "perfect man." Anywho.

I still do think a lot about "what I'm looking for."  Precious how that changes over the years.  16-year-old "lists" of what a girl wants in a guy.  Um.  Pretty much hysterical.  I'm only 21 and my "list" has lost some weight and gone on a diet.  And been working out in the gym.  Cause I do still want muscles.

But my list has been trimmed.  Other then the whole attraction/chemistry part (which is vital, I hear) I think I could narrow my search down to two words: Brave Servant.

Many other words go along with those things.  And there is no man on earth who is the perfect embodiment of "bravery" and "servanthood." But it can certainly be a quality a man pursues, in order to follow the example of his Lord. It can be a strength of his - given that all human strength is imperfect.

"Then Jesus... began to wash the disciples' feet…

'You call me Teacher and Lord,

and you are right,

for so I am.

If I then, your Lord and Teacher,

have washed your feet,

you also ought to wash one another's feet.

For I have given you an example,

that you also should do just as I have done to you.'"

"The greatest among you shall be your servant."

“It was on this very porch Marlboro Man told me he loved me… 

It had been a half-whisper that had left his mouth in a primal, non-calculated release.  

And it had both surprised and melted me; 

the honesty of it, 

the spontaneity, 

the unbridled emotion.  

I was guarded despite the affection Marlboro Man heaped on me.  

I was jaded; my relationships had done that to me. 

But he was so confident when we were together, 

so open, so honest, 

so transparent and sure.

 There was no such thing as ‘give-and-take’ with him.  

He gave freely, poured out his heart willingly.  

And he had all the patience he needed 

to wait for me to say ‘I love you’ back.”

It's hard to be a servant.

I want to be a servant. 

Especially a free-giving, heap-ing, unconditional servant.

I want the man I spend my life with to be a servant.

An initiator - sees the need, and acts on it.

Selfless - sees the need, and considers it more important to act on it then to please himself.

Humble - willing to "stoop" to dirty feet, ministry, children and a wife ;)

A servant.

I don't want this because I deserve a man like this,

I don't.  At all.

But it's what God calls a man to lead like.

And I want a man who takes the call of the Lord seriously.

(to be continued...)