(I wrote the following post months and months ago.
It turned into a couple posts.
I never had the guts to post them.
But when I accidentally came across them again, I had newfound courage ;)
My life is very different now,
but I find that I agree with them even more then I used to.
And I just want to post them.
Usually my "personal" posts are about my life. What's going on in Kristen's world. But, to be honest, they usually aren't super deep. Not that they aren't meaningful, but I just haven't let my personal posts get "very super extra personal." And I'm okay with that. It's the internet. I can filter my "personal" if I want :)
I tend to write happy little posts that tie neatly up at the end with a brilliant concluding statement ;) I say enough to update the troops (maybe) and then call it a day. But I'm gonna open up a little bit more. Because I want to.
The more I go to photography events, and the more I meet talented single girls, and the more time I spend with my single friends, and the older I get, the more a certain topic pops up: men. and falling in love with them.
Not in a Justin-Beiber-freak-out-fanatic-drippy-goggly-eyed-rambling way. But a more curious, growing-in-understanding, realizing hurt is real, feelings get hurt, men aren't our saviors and commitment + marriage to one man is...well... a miracle! kind of way.
I'm in NO way saying I'm a miserable old single hag just pining away to be married, and every new news of an engagement sends me into tears. Not at all. (though, hey, give me some time... ;) haha juuuust keeeding) The more weddings I see, the more couples I interact with, the more I learn about God, the more I listen to my "taken" friends cry about how hard/wonderful relationships are, the more I talk with single friends about their desires, the more I wonder about this blessed beast called "marriage."
I'm a little kid watching from the outskirts. A child buckled into a stroller at a theme park watching the roller-coaster and everyone riding it, trying to understand how it feels. What's it like to ride? I can hear it. I can see it. But I can't ride it - yet. And some people come out the exit panicked and queasy, others coming off smiling and laughing and want to run back in line and do it again.
In all this thinking and learning about marriage, I've been well taught to not "look for the perfect 'one' but focus on becoming the perfect 'one.'" Actually, I think I botched that quote. Not "perfect" obviously. But my priority is my relationship with God and growing in THAT so I can be a stronger Christian/woman/wife, not finding the "perfect man." Anywho.
I still do think a lot about "what I'm looking for." Precious how that changes over the years. 16-year-old "lists" of what a girl wants in a guy. Um. Pretty much hysterical. I'm only 21 and my "list" has lost some weight and gone on a diet. And been working out in the gym. Cause I do still want muscles.
But my list has been trimmed. Other then the whole attraction/chemistry part (which is vital, I hear) I think I could narrow my search down to two words: Brave Servant.
Many other words go along with those things. And there is no man on earth who is the perfect embodiment of "bravery" and "servanthood." But it can certainly be a quality a man pursues, in order to follow the example of his Lord. It can be a strength of his - given that all human strength is imperfect.
"Then Jesus... began to wash the disciples' feet…
'You call me Teacher and Lord,
and you are right,
for so I am.
If I then, your Lord and Teacher,
have washed your feet,
you also ought to wash one another's feet.
For I have given you an example,
that you also should do just as I have done to you.'"
"The greatest among you shall be your servant."
“It was on this very porch Marlboro Man told me he loved me…
It had been a half-whisper that had left his mouth in a primal, non-calculated release.
And it had both surprised and melted me;
the honesty of it,
the spontaneity,
the unbridled emotion.
I was guarded despite the affection Marlboro Man heaped on me.
I was jaded; my relationships had done that to me.
But he was so confident when we were together,
so open, so honest,
so transparent and sure.
There was no such thing as ‘give-and-take’ with him.
He gave freely, poured out his heart willingly.
And he had all the patience he needed
to wait for me to say ‘I love you’ back.”
It's hard to be a servant.
I want to be a servant.
Especially a free-giving, heap-ing, unconditional servant.
I want the man I spend my life with to be a servant.
An initiator - sees the need, and acts on it.
Selfless - sees the need, and considers it more important to act on it then to please himself.
Humble - willing to "stoop" to dirty feet, ministry, children and a wife ;)
A servant.
I don't want this because I deserve a man like this,
I don't. At all.
But it's what God calls a man to lead like.
And I want a man who takes the call of the Lord seriously.
(to be continued...)