Erin James | Portrait Session Part II

“i was born with an enormous need for affection,  

and a terrible need to give it.” 

[audrey hepburn]

-- part one of erin's portrait sessions --

The tagline for Erin James' new online magazine is "Vintage values for elegant women, chasing the lost art of being a lady."  She has made references to Kate Middleton, June Cleaver, Grace Kelly and Jane Austen.  Her mind is a landing strip for the "beautiful little things that make life rich."  As Erin shared with me her hopes for this new career direction, I knew I wanted to photograph her with every bit of lady from a different generation.  Given that in her day-in, day-out life Erin's look is a bit more of a "Carrie Bradshaw"/Malibu Barbie/California Baby I want to display her inner Audrey.   These headshots and portraits are more practical and functional (than, say, a black tulle ball-gown), but I love seeing this part of Erin, too.  

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AJ's Birth Story | Maryland Birth Photography

"I CAN SEE A LOT OF LIFE IN YOU,

I CAN SEE A LOT OF BRIGHT IN YOU."

sufjan stevens

Ever since I got texts, a few weeks apart, that these two best friends were pregnant, I planned the following collage.  Two mamas, then two mamas and the first baby born, and then two mamas with the second baby born.  2, 2 + 1 = 3, 3 + 1 = 4.  In the picture of the four of them I wanted to have the babies in matching outfits.  But these pictures go 2, 3...3.  3 + 1 = 3.  No, that's not right.  But that's the point: it's wrong.  This place we breathe is wrong; death is wrong.  Families should never be pulled apart, tears should never fall.

"Yes, weep and grieve until the Spirit is poured down on us from above 
and the badlands desert grows crops, becoming fertile fields and forests. 
Justice will move into the desert.  

Right will build a home in the fertile field. 

And where there is Right, there will be Peace.  

And the promise of Right: joyous lives and endless trust. 
My people will live in a peaceful houses, in quiet gardens.  
You will enjoy a blessed life, planting well-watered fields and gardens."
Isaiah 32:15 The Message

"I CAN SEE A BED AND MAKE IT, TOO.

I CAN SEE A FIRESIDE TURN BLUE."

Soon and very soon even the sniffles and empty arms will be muffled and filled.  Until then, we have the shade of some sturdy, broad redwoods, covering us and giving us cool rest.  Sometimes Justice moves in the crook of your elbow -- "... loosing the pangs of death, giving back life, because it was not possible for him to be held down by the grave."  Life triumphs once again, little battles in this Earth War (spoiler alert: Life wins).  When a fertile field is a fertile woman, and a quiet garden is a 12x20 birth room at Shady Grove Hospital (where a Baby Fruit was ripe), you only look forward to the destruction of the badlands evermore.  Right will build a home, and no child shall be missing.

The look of compassion and care in one best friend to the other.  An unruly little tongue.  Laughter in between contractions.  Kisses on the head from a sensitive midwife.  The first push.  Grown adults weeping together.  Sleepy peepers (coming into this world is hard work, you know).  Labor being over.   Fat arms.  Being known.   A very fast labor (less than an hour after checking into the hospital we met a little boy).  Hospital ice chips.  Grandparents in the lobby.  Sharing our very selves.

"You will cry, but your grief will turn to joy.

A woman giving birth to a child has pain;

 but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that her child is here.

So with you: Now is your time of grief, 

but I will see you again and you will rejoice, 

and no one will take away your joy."

I'm grateful for all the things Baby AJ is to me, but especially how he gives me the gift of Safe Joy.  I see and hold him, think of him throughout the day, and clearly see his place in this story.  He has brought us so much happiness.  He's brought with him a bundle of heaven, a gift from Right.

(Becca: you are beyond strong and the definition of kindred love.  AJ has no idea what lot in life he got dealt by being able to be raised and loved by you.  I can see a lot of life in you.)

Hannah Nicole | Senior Portraits in "Paris"

"Maybe you should go to Paris. It helped me a lot."

"I WAS THERE FOR THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES ONCE. CHANGING PLANES."

 "Oh, but Paris isn't for changing planes, it's... it's for changing your outlook, 

for... for throwing open the windows and letting in... 

letting in la vie en rose." 

Sabrina [1954]

"You've worked hard and you've been through a lot, it's time for you to spread your wings, to go to Paris."  My dad, ever the rom-com-lover, has a knack for making movie references at perfect times in real life (like when I draped onto his bedroom door, with a seven-page handwritten later from Caleb in hand, rocking back and forth with the hinges, asking his advice on what I should do:  "Who are you kidding, he had you from hello."  Or the day after Caleb proposed and I showed dad my ring "I cannot believe that anyone can deserve you, but it apppears I am overruled.")  He was talking to me as I approached my high-school graduation.  I knew he wasn't talking about literal Paris, but he called me Sabrina and thanked me for my years over the garage and wanted me to find myself as a woman.

You know when you meet someone during their years in Paris, and Hannah has just arrived, suitcase in hand.  La Vie en Rose means "the pink-tinged life" or "life in love."  I think in some ways once you go to "Paris" you never really leave, at least not in your heart, and you're always learning yourself.  She's off to Seattle and art school and wet, windy autumn.  It will throw open her windows.

In anticipation for this new 'country' of her life, I wanted to photograph Hannah in a way that she hasn't seen herself.  Hannah is most comfortable in soft, jammie-type clothes with messy hair and chapstick.  She loves cheese, but hates mac-and-cheese, and learned about poise-through-pain during ballet.  She has been writing indirectly about her ache, and recently shared more details of her reality.

Dear Hannah, 

Oftentimes, in my short experience on earth, people need to think more and pay better attention.  Many use words that they don't know what they mean (I'm guilty of this, I've learned -- I try hard to speak accurately) and they create a life of fake happiness and pretend.  That isn't to say they don't have genuine joy or care about good things, but so often there is fear and even inability to be honest in their own brains and hearts.  Their is a flimsiness to their world.  You are unlike these people.  

You, young lady, have balanced the truth of your struggle with sincere respect to your family.  Life hasn't been "The Hannah Show," no, most of the times it's "The Make One More Peanut Butter Sandwich and Fold One More Towel and Tie One More Pair of Shoes Before Math Problems Show," which can be a very boring show some seasons.  But throughout the lonely homework nights, the upheaval, the not-traveling to exotic places, the responsibility, the break-downs, the photographs, the complicated emotions, you have been on a treasure hunt.  You have been unwilling to give-up on beauty and you crave the depth that only pain can teach.  Your self-awareness and kindness are moving.  The adjectives you use when you speak and write are accurate, not excessive or unnecessary (but, I mean, we both want to get better at describing with verbs, right? ;) 

Sometimes, if I can offer a word of advice, I think it's time to pause the search and settle in for an embrace.  There is much you will be, and there is more that you don't know than you do know, nevertheless you are not average nor are you dumb.  But it's okay to 'be' and stand up straight at times.  You have maturity greater than most I know (and I look up to you for that.)  You are more talented, more wise, more happy than I think you give yourself credit for.  I wanted to show you in images what I see in your heart: a knock-out, strong, canny, red woman and you do not fade into the background.  Looking under the couches and in the dirt has rewarded you with many gifts; don't hoard them away waiting for the perfect time, until you are all you want to be.  Pull them out and use with confidence.

God has made you to speak, sometimes with your fingers and sometimes with your pictures and sometimes with your mouth.  He will make others to listen and learn.  I love your easy sweetness and how you giggled with your hands over your mouth, shaking your head in disbelief, when you saw these pictures.  "I can't even look at them!" you said.  "It's...I.. I just look so beautiful."  You said it like you almost believed it, too.  You are Hannah.  You are beautiful.  

You are beautiful because you write me tear-jerking texts that I never respond to and you write again.  You are beautiful because you have laid in dark rooms on various couches, unable to sleep.  You are beautiful because you love your father and you love your mother and you love the family they've given to you.  You are beautiful because you enjoy comfort food, and you meet the Comforter in His meals.  You are beautiful because your eyes.  You are beautiful because you sat in my house, engaging my dad and my little sisters and my baby boy, with sincerity.  You are beautiful because laughing hard brings tears to your eyes and your desire is written all over your face:  You're looking forward to the next time that happens, hopefully in a couple minutes.  You are beautiful because you take the time to listen and take the time to write.  You are beautiful because you are generous.  You are beautiful because you're brave and you're beautiful because you're scared and you're especially beautiful because you know they go hand-in-hand.  You are beautiful because you savor mango salsa.  You are beautiful because you're peaceful. 

Go off to Seattle and be yourself and please keep sharing with us, because learning from you has been one of the most clear 'goods' of this year.  La Vie en Rose, my friend.

Admiringly,

Kristen

"ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED A SMALL GIRL. 

AND LIFE WAS PLEASANT AND VERY, VERY SIMPLE.

BUT, ONE DAY, THE GIRL GREW UP AND WENT BEYOND THE WALLS OF THE GROUNDS

AND FOUND THE WORLD."

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Mommy + Buddy Portraits | Maternity + Family

"She sings the tune without the words  And never stops - at all." Emily Dickinson Four Septembers ago I was figuring out airplane tickets to visit Oklahoma for the first time and Becca was pregnant.  I didn't know it.  I hadn't met Caleb yet.  I had some from friends in the middle of the country I wanted to visit.  Right before my trip I got an e-mail from Becca.  She and her husband were my small-group leaders at church and all of us young'ins' loved to inquire and tease about their someday-baby.  This potential child was affectionately named "Bacon" by us.  After four or five years of marriage, there was a Bacon.  And after all this time!  She was in Oklahoma!  And we weren't altogether to celebrate!  It had been a long haul, but a soul was made and lived inside the caves of my good friend.  But I didn't know any of this...  
...Until I got Becca's e-mail, right before my trip, after Bacon had already gone to heaven.  We hadn't really considered a miscarriage.  Somehow when it takes a "little longer" to get pregnant it doesn't seem fair that those mama's should miscarry.   (Of course it never seems "fair."  Souls and human life don't come and go like making a football team.)  She was sad, but gracious and full of Becca-kindness.  She said she was grateful a friend was coming to town so she and Dre wouldn't feel quite so alone.  He was their Apple Seed Baby, small and good.  He was and is missed.  
For Christmas that year I bought Becca a silver apple-necklace (the size of the fruit's seed).  The month that Caleb asked me to be his girlfriend was the month we found out about a Baby Bear, Apple Seed's little brother.  Caleb moved to Maryland and we helped assemble IKEA furniture and fold clothes for Baby Behr's nursery.  The night he was born Caleb and I slept on the hospital floor.  I was the second friend to meet and hold him.  On our wedding day Behr was a chubby, sweet ring-bearer.  10 months later Behr slept on the same hospital floor while Becca helped us through my labor with Rowdy.
By that Christmas there was a Tiny Baby, little brother to Apple Seed and Big Boy Behr.   Becca and Dre were back to Oklahoma for work.  Meanwhile my mom was closing her chapter in this world, and when she died a sick, pregnant Becca flew back to Maryland with Behr (who wore a dragon costume to my mom's funeral) to be there for me.  A few weeks later, in Oklahoma, Caleb and I found out there was a Baby Ryan.  I was so excited to be pregnant with my best friends (Janet was pregnant, too, with Bobby.)  We all three talked about being huge and bloated at the county fair, newborn Halloween costumes and "three little turkey's" at Thanksgiving.  But before our dreams had a chance to match reality, both Bobby Boy and Ryan Day went to heaven with their buddy, Apple Seed (all being dotingly cared for by Mama Bear, I'm sure).  We weren't pregnant together anymore.  There would be no "triplet" pictures during the holidays.  Now all three of us had babies in heaven.  
Caleb and I buried our baby in Oklahoma, a few nights ago we sent up balloons on Bobby's due date, and now we all wait.  We all wait to meet Tiny Baby.  He's shows us the stubbornness of hope, the gift of anticipation.  But any story points to the story behind it.  And the story behind Tiny Baby is a  big one.   Today I want to make a big deal about his mother.  
She's the Friend of Friends, Giver of Givers.  She has been juggling fire-pins and keeping more than one family going.  She works part-time on top of being a full-time supporter, break-giver, human-grower, wife, listening-ear, and mourner.  Her little Behr Boy loves her, and is an intelligent, creative, weird, chatty lovebug.   They have such a playful, strong relationship.  They really are friends.  In the middle of all the chaos this year has been, she methodically saved pennies and dreamed ideas to make her son a special new room before the baby comes.  There isn't a single item in his space that doesn't have meaning and heart behind it.  "I go to prepare a place for you."  (Oh.  And when I lived with Dre and Becca while Caleb and I were dating, this was my bedroom.  See?  Stories intersect everywhere.)
It was only right to do something a little different than formal maternity pictures.  Instead Dre wanted pictures of the special relationship and big love Becca and Behr share.  Here's to new stories, the thing with feathers, heritage, heaven, tear soup, outie-belly-buttons, hazelnut eyes, hazelnut coffee, bacon, washi tape and mama's with their little boys.
“Sometimes it doesn't occur to boys that their mother was ever young and pretty.  I couldn't stand it if you boys were inconsiderate, or thought of her as if she were just somebody who looked after you.  You see I was very much in love with your mother, and I know there's nobody like her...” (Willa Cather, My Ántonia) "And sore must be the storm  That could abash the little Bird  That kept so many warm."

--- + --- + --- + --- + --- + --- to book your own i'm kristen family session,  especially in the maryland/virginia/dc, or oklahoma to dallas areas E-MAIL ME HERE

The Little Ladies | Portraits

“behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain.”  

bob dylan

Just about two years ago I took my sisters out for portraits on the beach.  They moved away to Florida, so when I came to visit I couldn't help but to steep in their beautiful childhood.  Being away and then being with gave me artist's clarity and I wanted to photograph them "as they were."  Mom watched on glowingly.  We ran around the sand until the sun set and once it was dark we ate tacos and laughed.  They were free, funny, best of friends and shockingly engaging (I crave their social skills).   The setting of a twilight beach was utopian and timely.

But now, they are different.  They are older and they are wiser and they ever-more engaging and they watched their mother deteriorate before they're innocently round eyes at only ten and twelve years old.  As they traveled with us across the country on a recent road trip, I was able to "people watch" them in concentrated doses and I had the itch to document them again -- how they are now.  All trip I talked about doing a shoot but it was never 'right.'  As we drove through Wyoming, with it's hard, repetitive, self-shrinking constance, I knew it was time.  We had driven through the night and for 16+ hours, but as soon as we arrived to our hotel I threw them dresses and we ran out to the neighboring pastures.

These little girls have held cold, mottled feet and wept into the chest of an unresponsive mother.  They've caught the stomach bug and cleaned themselves up alone, wishing to crawl into bed with the best nurse of all.  They've witnessed the various outbreaks and processes of other grieving family members, which is sometimes scary.  And they sing along to "The Lonely Goatherd" like sparkling buffoons, purposely off-key and definitely amused.  And my goodness: do they know how to savor and dissect a delicious meal (especially Chicago deep-dish pizza.)  The mix of severe and whimsical I see in their faces, watch in their actions is powerful to me.  I am a proud big sister and I am moved to present my silly, smart, sad, strong, shockingly engaging, happy, all-too-grown-up sisters:






















(I think Mama Bear still looked on glowingly.)




--- + --- + --- + --- + --- + --- to book your own i'm kristen family session,  especially in the maryland/virginia/dc, or oklahoma to dallas areas E-MAIL ME HERE

Mamas + Cubs | Portraits

inspired by huffington post's recent publishing of ken heyman's photographs of mothers.  an idea like this had been in my brain-idea-bin for a while, and this finally gave me the motivation to follow through with it.

Dear mama and mama-figures (whoever you may be),

Thank you for your hips...

... your cheeks,

... your forearms and the crook above your elbow.

Thank you for your time,

... (your night-time

... and your day-time) -- for a lifetime.

Thank you for monster socks,

for lots of yummy yogurt because it's my favorite and makes me nice and chubby,

... and for your patience.

Thank you for loving me even more now than you did then...


Thank you for calm,

and for your exhausted,

for your proud,

and for all that you've memorized; for all only you know.

Thank you for confidence,

thank you for fluffy towels,

and thank you for being so brave.

Thank you for sharing your house with me,

...your humor with me,

...your body with me.

Thank you for helping me learn life basics,

keeping me safe,

and also clean (the best you can).


You are comfort.
You are the last of the day.

You are where I say good-bye.

You are a queen without a crown.

You are reinforcement, "You can do it!," and proof that: your joy is my joy.

You make me feel like I am the apple of your eye.

You are "I will never let you go"...

... and a shoulder to rest on.

All the "up-up!"s, "hold you?"s, "one more story?"...

... and attention to little and long ideas don't go forgotten.  Maybe unnoticed, but never forgotten.

You are beauty. (And a total weirdo)

You are strong.  (And you cry the best sadness.)

You are hope.  (Even when I'm not with you.)
Thank you for every wrinkle, ache, heartburn, cramp, nap, car ride, prenatal vitamin, hug, lunch, tear, vote of confidence, high-five, eye-contact, long night, laugh, iPhone picture, cheer from the stand, Christmas gift, stretch mark, sip of water after bedtime, coupon-cut, back rub, conversation and moment.

With as much heart as you've given me,
Your cub.


--- + --- + --- + --- + --- + --- to book your own i'm kristen family session,  especially in the maryland/virginia/dc, new york/boston, or oklahoma to dallas areas E-MAIL ME HERE (i'll also be traveling around southern california + the lake tahoe/nevada areas in coming months.)

Four Buddies | Child Playtime Portraits

"love is what carries you,

for it is always there, even in the dark,

or most in the dark!

but shining out like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery."

wendell berry

Two Mays ago I babysat the three musketeers and grabbed a few pictures of them.   Since the original shoot I was married, we added a Rowdy and a TinyBaby Kless (due in a few months!), and we lost two grandparents and two siblings.  The documentation of "the passage of time" has become particularly important to me over the last 24 months.  Years feel more like school-quarters, months go by in days, days can be brief minutes... but in all that time crazy stuff happens.  Crazy stuff including growing, changing and developing.  My two best friends have been annually photographing ourselves at a local park (we're scheduling year nine!) and the pictures are important to me.  I love this new traditions with my friend's kids.

(If you haven't seen the previous shoot it's worth browsing through really quickly! It gives these pictures more punch -- even though a group of cute kids can totally stand on their own.)

The Ring-Leader // Audrey, of the Remsnyder Tribe, is the oldest.  She has had a quirky personality, clear communication skills and incredible weirdness since she was born.  She looks like her mama, and dresses like a lady... but she is a sassy, intellectual, creative bombshell.

The Big Boy // Behr is the first boy in the group, and has been the longstanding only boy in the group.  He is perfectly made with a set of sincere emotions and a vibrant imagination.  He is a sweet little dude, is curiouser than the cat, and says the funniest things.  You can't help but watch him as he pudges around, declaring announcements about all he does!  We love this young Kless.

The Terminator // Audrye's little sister Edy, also known as "Crunchy" (among other things), has the girliest-lightest-song-bird voice, with velvet brown eyes and charming curls.  And she's a beast.  She's by no means the left-out third in the group.  She holds her own and doesn't back down to a challenge.  Her beast-mode has been a defining quality of hers since birth, but it only becomes more special as her tender side comes out more and more.  In one foul swoop she can finish her (large) plate of lunch, hit Behr in the head, pat him and carefully cradle a baby doll.  Boom boom "aw."  That's Edy.

The Little Big Boy //  Rowdy Man loves his friends -- even if they don't get to play together as often as we want.  And he doesn't skip a beat.  He absolutely believes he is as old, capable and strong as they are.  He has been an early "mover" -- rolling at six weeks, crawling at five months, walking at nine months -- but his activity isn't just action.  He pays close attention to the people and environment around him.  He puts "two and two together" and picks up on things quickly.  He's a happy baby, but he's a serious one.  I love how he reminds me of his dad ;)

I hope these kids are at each other's graduations, getting drinking together after life-good-news, in and at each other's weddings, moving boxes into each other's houses, and hanging out together for many, many, many years.




































There are many ways to experience love -- all different, important, and valid -- but one of my personal favorites is the love of and the love between children.  Even this morning, on the four-month anniversary of my mama's passing, I was filled with laughter and refreshment as oversaw these knuckleheads play on bed.


--- | --- | --- | --- | --- | --- to book your own i'm kristen session with your kids,  especially in the maryland/virginia/dc, new york/boston, or oklahoma to dallas areas E-MAIL ME HERE (i'll also be traveling around southern california + the lake tahoe/nevada areas in coming months.)

The Gasca's | Maryland Family Portraits

"at the end of all my faith,  till the end of all my days,  when I forget my name,  remind me." andrew peterson A little more waiting, a little more crying, a little more time.  There is a place for everything.  But who among us could hold out hope, could continue to believe, or even wish, unless we had tastes of the happiest things?  We live in this world of the charmed and the damned; a time for everything.  In other worlds, in other days, there won't be times for everything.  Only time for good things.  So we hope for Splendor, and live in the pig pen, and watch the sunrise and wish, believe, hope.  This small family has had their mourning times, their quiet times, their pained times.  But in the gold crackle of autumn, they found themselves in a dancing time, a laughing time, a living time.  New Baby Cruz - teeny and particular - , teasing and jokes, togetherness, tastes of days over the rainbow.   These pictures, this family are promise to me.  "In the face of chaos, baby, I can dance with you.  We're dancing in the minefields, sailing through the storm.  He's promised not to leave us, His promises are true.  I can dance with you."  Thank you for allowing me sixty minutes into your sixty years.  I loved pressing pause in the backyard and making your first days as a family of three stand still, for just a moment.   --- | --- | --- | --- | --- | --- to book your own i'm kristen home-family session,  especially in the maryland/virginia/dc, new york/boston, or oklahoma to dallas areas E-MAIL ME HERE (i'll also be traveling around southern california + the lake tahoe/nevada areas in coming months.)